I’ve struggled with my weight pretty much my whole life. After being an adorably husky youngster, a self-loathing teenager, and a thin but unhappy high schooler, I started college wondering if I was the only person whose day-to-day thoughts, activities, and life revolved around food and fatness. Slowly, and with the guidance of many strong women, I started thinking about my body in terms of its abilities rather than its appearance. My interests turned to nutrition, food, and well-being. For several years now, I’ve been striving to overcome my addiction to unhealthy foods, to appreciate my body’s strengths, and to become a person whose daily preoccupations encompass greater thoughts and ideas than being thin.
After I graduated from college two years ago, I began eating a vegetarian diet. I also started paying attention to food additives, preservatives, and food news in general. Learning about the types of things that found their way into my body made me feel disgusting, and I decided that one cannot afford to be a mindless consumer. Reading labels continues to shock me. Why is there high fructose corn syrup in my pickles? What the heck is Xanthan gum? My grandmother used to serve me fresh veggies from the garden, home-baked bread, and pickles that she canned herself. Most people from her generation didn’t have weight problems, and while it’s not logical for a working woman such as myself to bake bread on a regular basis, it is possible for me to be a more conscientious about food.
All that said, I am still a person with a weight problem, and I still indulge in things that I know are bad for me. And though I feel happier and more content with myself than I ever have, I still keep many insecurities tucked away.
I decided to start this blog because I’ve always been extremely private about my body. Sharing my insecurities, my fears, my weaknesses has always been out of the question. Telling somebody how much I weigh–even at times when I weighed a healthy weight–has always been out of the question. But all of that privacy is rooted in shame and I’ve finally figured out that if I want to become a healthy person then I can’t hold on to those feelings of inadequacy, shame, and self-hatred. If I can let go of those feelings through candid expressions of my private life, then maybe I will finally be able to reconcile my insides with my outsides.
I intend this blog to be part confessional, part consumer report, and part grab bag of all things related to food, fatness, and personal struggle. My hope is that this will not only be a tool for my own growth, but that it will help others feel more comfortable with who they are or inspire others to make better life choices.